Topic: My weightlifting essay

[Alex Carter]

Well heres the deal, I have gotten some pretty decent grades on the other three pieces of this assignment, the outline, the works cited, and peer editing. I however got wind that my essay is not persuasive enough, I thought I did a good job with it, I really need your help guys because I need input. The essay and the revised parts of the other things are due tomorrow, here is a copy of what I have so far. Thanks guys 

[Andy Dick]

Alex sorry for the lateness of this, I have been busy today.  I put some revision ideas in your paper in red.  Check it out and try to make the appropriate revisions.

[Matt Rupiper]

Alex,

I must say i agree that olympic lifting has superior results compared to other methods of training.  In all honesty you have to have research that supports what you are saying.  Saying that Wesley Barnett has huge hams means nothing.  I could show you Tom Platz who didn't do olympic lifts that has huge legs.  I could also find multiple studies showing the benefits of HIT.  Research that is supported is persuasive not wikipedia and opinion.

I guess this is for future reference

[Rob Macklem]

Alex,

You definitely are enthusiastic about olympic lifting. Essay writing is not my forte, however it seems to me in the 1st paragraph you need to state your case a little more clearly, concisely...it seems rather muddy to me. The title is "weightlifting and sports performance". You need to prove how it will  help me play basketball,football,soccer? The essay is not dedicated to athletes and the keys to their success.
"competition is what makes America so powerful,it has a history of being the best when it counts"...not sure what this has to do with the theme. The statement also makes me cringe...

Skip any references to wikipedia...it is the kiss of death on getting a good grade.

Last paragraph "it is crystal clear"....you need to let the reader decide that...if you've done your job it will indeed be crystal clear.

I could be off base please take no offense, its done in the spirit of goodwill. Good luck in your studies!

[Jim Storch]

Matt,

I heard a rumor once that Fred Lowe showed a young Tom Platz how to squat, so maybe he did do some "olympic lifts"!?

[Matt Erdman]

I like Andy's comments.

Also, I don't like the reference to the lifts being dangerous. Power cleans, even when done with poor form, have a lower injury rate than the bench press. No one refers to the bench press as dangerous even though it is technically the most dangerous exercise performed. I would use examples of "getting a better training effect" and " making more progress in the future" as good reasons to become technically proficient in the lifts.

[Matt Erdman]

Matt,

I heard a rumor once that Fred Lowe showed a young Tom Platz how to squat, so maybe he did do some "olympic lifts"!?

Platz did say that "powerlifters" made him start squatting. It's possible they were weightlifters, or both. Supposedly everyone got along in those day.

[Alex Carter]

Thanks for the wonderful ideas a day late, haha, well anyways yeah I know the essay isn't that great whatever I turned dat shizz in anyway WHAT u wanna fight about it?